Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
