i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
