One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
