We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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