i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
