Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
