half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
