dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
