If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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