Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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