The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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