just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize
