I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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