He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Randomize
