Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
