he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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