i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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