I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
