Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
