He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
