But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
