she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
