I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Randomize
