I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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