I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
