Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
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