If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
