I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
