i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
