I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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