Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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