Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
