tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Randomize