i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
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