The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize