and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Randomize
