So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
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