Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Randomize