I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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