so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Randomize
