final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Randomize
