SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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