The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
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