I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
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