I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
