I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
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