I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
