We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
