I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
did i walk over a car last night?
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
God, I missed his penis.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
