I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
