i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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