Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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