Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
