he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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